Hello Everyone, I'm not going to lie i'm crying like a child as I write this but I felt like I needed to turn write it to make it okay. I'm leaving my boyfriend. There I said it, it doesn't make the hurt any less pain full but strangely I feel some relief from it but I am very afraid.

I can't make him happy because I can't do anything right in his eyes, he is not a malicious man he just isn't happy with me and I am not happy with him. He makes me feel like crap, makes me feel stupid makes me feel worthless, and it's even worse because I know he isn't intentionally hurting me. It's like he keeps expecting me to one day step out of bed one day and instantly become his perfect woman but I'm not her, and when I'm not he gets mad, he internalizes the anger but it still comes out.

He can't laugh at himself, and is always angry which makes me scared that I'm not doing something right which makes him more angry. He's never hit or called me anything I don't want to give you that impression, he has always been nothing good to me. But I finally have to admit it, he's given me anxiety issues that i've been battling for the past year and a half.

I'm scared very very scared. I have little money as I'm a student and he is the one that pays all the bills. I'm so scared to be out on my own. Part of me doesn't want to leave a very very large part wants to stay and fight, but I think I'm getting to the point where I just can't fight anymore i'm tired so very tired of feeling like i'm wrong and can't do anything right anymore. It's too hard and i'm slowly ever so slowly feeling myself sinking and I don't even know what i'm sinking into but it's cold and painful and I want out.

The worst part? I love him more than anything even as I'm writing this I know i'm going to stay with him, because deep in my heart I still think I can transform into this woman he wants. I'm broken but perhaps maybe just one last time I'll try remolding myself?

I'm sorry for the pity parade. I just didn't know who else to turn to you've all become someone I feel I can trust and since your all so far away I know that I can speak the honest to god truth about how I feel.

Thank you all so much.

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No one can tell you what to do in your particular situation i'm afraid, but I will tell you that after being with my significant other for four and a half years now, it's a lot of adjustment constantly.

There are men and women here that have been married for years, but I don't think there is any secret - i'm sure they feel "not good enough" from time to time as well.

Not trying to tell you to make it work if it wont work, you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't love you for you, but I think age factors into it a lot. My neighbors are the same age as my OH and I and they fight incessantly - seriously one is always throwing the other out, yet they seem to rekindle and hash out the details later and oddly, that just seems to work for them.

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If he makes you feel that bad about yourself, maybe it's best to leave. No one should make you doubt yourself. It is scary being out on your own, but it's liberating, too. Don't stay just because your afraid of leaving. Maybe being away will help you both with your expectations of each other or it may help you see that you were right, this is the best way. I wish you all the best which ever way you choose.

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Thank you Jan for the wonderful siggy!

I don't have any advice for you really..but I can relate. I am a young student living with my boyfriend, and money is really tight for me. I am afraid of what would happen if we were ever to separate (I hope not!) because I could not afford a 1 bedroom apartment on my own. Whatever happens, don't try to hide your sadness because that will make it worse. Talk to us, a family member, or anyone about it. We are here to help!

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Thanks LS!

I am glad you wrote to us on the forum,its good to get those feeling out , and to see that you are not alone . I am giving you a thumbs up for knowing in your heart that you deserve to feel better , because you do . When all of this is done , and you feel good , and strong you can think about why you loved him so much , even when he made you feel so bad. My husband is very hard on me, very rarely gives me a compliment , and at times i feel like i cant do anything good enough in his eyes .... Guess what , my dad was the same , so I chose a man that I was use to . I am repeating a pattern. I wouldnt know what to do with a mushy man that complimented me all the time : ( ... we choose partners sometimes because their behavior is what we know ... Take a look inside and figure out what your attracted to , and why , then ask yourself if thats the kind of person you want to spend your life with , if its not , then work towards raising your bar (standards) your a smart , sensative , and strong woman , I see that in your post. You will be fine. I have lived from paycheck to paycheck ...it can be done , and it builds character ...but its hard.. close this door , so another one can open .
chin up girlfriend , youll be fine , use the people here to help you get through the rough times
Kristen and Foster

i know exactly where you are coming from
a long time ago i was with this guy for 6 years, we never lived to gether, he wouldnt leave his mother. by the time i had the courage to end the relationship, i felt like a worthless piece of crap. we went to paris for his birthday, everyone expected us to come back engaged. it was the worst time of my life, so much so i hate that city. i dont know where it came ftrom, but by the sunday i had enough of him telling me where we were going what we were doing ect. so i told him we were over. coming home the next day he was sooo atentive, but it was tooo late. after we got off the plane we went in 2 different taxis and i havent seen him to this day. he used to ring my mams house for months after telling her hed made a bih mistake.
i knew my husband noel for many years and we met by chance,again, i told him everything about it, and he was my rock, he never oushed me for a relationship, it just happened. we are still togeter 14 years later.
what im trying to say, i think you are only young and if you are afraid of being alone, you wont, you know in your heart what you need to do, no one deserves to be dragged down by anyone. could you move back to your parents or a realitive till you get sorted.
i wish you the best in what you decide.
sorry this is so long but i just wanted to let you know its not all doom.

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R.I.P My sweet Cody. xxxxx

I am so sorry you are going through this, but I believe there is a reason you are--to help make you a stronger more confident person that you are. You know this is a toxic relationship because you admitted it several times. Life is too short to wish!!! Make it happen!! Life is what you make of it! Don't you have friends to turn to? Call up some of your friends & get out--Start having fun & I promise things will get better with time. You need to be with someone that cherishes you & makes you feel like a valued, person. There really isn't no reason for you to make this relationship work because there's nothing there. You can't possibly love this man; you're talking out of fear of the unknown because you've been with him for so long. Try to change your way of thinking & welcome the unknown with open arms--Make life happen the way you want & I promise you that you will have wished you had done this sooner. Life has so much to offer each & every one of us, but it's up to us if we want to take advantage of it. I take it you are young-maybe in your 20's! Don't waste this precious time of your life wishing you were something your not just to please someone else that can't be pleased! I am truly sorry you are hurting & I do speak from a somewhat similar situation, but I strongly believe it helps us grow & learn how to deal & cope with life's hardships. The funny thing is that you will never forget this person, but you will wonder why you felt such a strong need to hold on to him when your feelings weren't there for him.
I agree with you that it's easy to talk to people you don't know or see, but you need to reconnect with friends & start living life for YOU and not someone else.

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[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. It means so much to me during this hard time I truly appreciate it. We are still together like I said I would be ha ha I do feel tho like this is the beginning of the end so hard.

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