My Daughter adopted her husbands 3 children, Shy-Ann 14, Kaleb 12, Logan 11 whom where brought up so very wrong. Their real mother was bipolar and on drugs. My son-in law Mom took custody but not legal of all 3 kids, the youngest right from hospital when born. They still seen their mother. The problem is the Mother and the Grandmother gave no discipline to any of the kids and gave them what ever they wanted, the mother fed the kids candy/sweets all the time when she had them. They all had thousands of dollars in dental bills my daughter and son in-law had to pay. They are not allowed sugar if they don't brush their teeth and they don't they need to be watched like two year olds. Clothes where always dirty and holes in them. House was pig pen at both houses.
The kids had no responsibility with grandma, didn't brush teeth do school work grades bad list can go on.. So when my daughter came along, they got married and wanted the kids. So Grandmother was going to give them to them, but didn't like it the real mother didn't like it and had fights, they went to court and cost like 25k and my son in law won custody and 1 month later the real mother overdosed. so my daughter adopted the kids 5 years ago. . It has not been fun. They kids disregardful to my daughter, wont listen to her wont do their school work, steal, lie so bad. try to start fires. Punishment and things taken away doesn't phase them at all. They have no contagions. Last year the oldest girl got really bad and called protective services and lied said my daughter beat her. She ended up living back at Grandma house, big mistake and again grades are bad, no responsibility eat candy anytime she wants hangs out with 22 year old and grandmother lets her. The agreement was the grandmother would have same rules as my daughter. The boys go every other week end and grandma spoils them and the girl brags about how easy she has it to the boys. My daughter and I truly feels the Grandmother tells the boys to be naughty so they can come live their too. She just bought a new house with bedrooms for all of them. Her husband died and wants the kids with her. They started new school this year and getting in trouble all the time. Today my daughter got a call from school and the middle boy Kaleb soled a girls fund raiser money and candy she was selling, and got caught, we think on purpose, because he told my daughter that he cant wait to go to school he going to tell teacher, she grounded him and made him sleep on floor with just a pillow and blanket and she took everything out of his room for stealing money 6 cans of breakfast drink for the dog ( dog was very sick) and hiding empty cans in tall grass. When he got caught he begged principal not to call Dawn ( my daughter) because she will beat and make him starve a again. He has a bruised on his arm from falling out of a tree just few days before and said she beat him with a belt. So school said they had to call protective service on her again. She so so upset, she is ready to throw in the towel. But then the Grandmother will probably get kids back and that is what she wanted.
Her husband thinks the grandmother would not be doing it, But we don't know why he left home at 12 years old. t I have seen it for a while when I see kids with her, she laughs when they are bad, and they get real bad when she is around. and the father is never home he drives truck and when he is home he spends no time with them he sits drinks beer and plays video games, makes my daughter do everything, I mean everything he wont even mow the lawn. I don't understand my daughter does so much for them, they have good home cooking, helps with home work, she takes them to do lots fun things, movie, adventure parks Disney World, get real nice new clothes, list goes on. They have light duty shores and cry and do them half way. She even paid them if they did good job, but they didn't and they didn't care they don't get the money. We looked into Military school but too much money.
My daughter wants me to take the boys for a while because she knows how I would care for them and have lots of bible study and my TV has nothing but Christan approve shows. My husband is worried about me being able to handle it. I am sick and stress doesn't help.
These kids will be the only grand kids ill have. I love them as my very own. My son in-law had vasectomy cant have any more. so my daughter will never have her own. Unless she leaves but is 33 now and she feels she is too old. Since she adopted them she is responsible for them.
I am lost of what to do. Any ideas? Sorry so long.

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In His Service
Theresa
and Amberleah Lou Lou

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Are these kids in therapy? If not, they really should be, especially with the fire starting, etc. 1) it will help them process the experience they had with their bi-polar mom and her overdose, and 2) a lot of mental health issues are part genetics, so these kids have increased odds of having some sort of disorder. Therapy will help them get a proper assessment and treatment. 3) even with your good heart, good home, and healthy lifestyle, these kids may need the clinical support.
Also, although I would NOT recommend that you take them, if you do, please please make sure you get a therapist too. It will keep you from burning out, and these kids sound like they need a lot more than standard good child-rearing, which a therapist could help you figure out. There is a lot of trauma and ugliness that needs to be undone, and where they are older it will be so much harder to undo. If you are already sick, this may well be more than you can handle.
Generally, if these kids do get help, it would probably be better for them to stay in their own home while working through their issues. Otherwise it will only add to the constant upheaval and could be a de-stabilizing factor. Your daughter and son-in-law have a lot of work on their hands.
I don’t know what state you are in, so I don’t know what social services your guys have available to you, but do some research and see what is available. Even when Child Protective Services get called in, see if they have any resources. They don’t always have to be the enemy.
Your daughter should try to remember that in spite of all the chaos they are causing they really need, even more than average kids, hard boundaries with consequences so create a defined framework, because that will help them feel safer. They will naturally push against them to see how far they will bend. Their mother made such a mess of them. Their other grandma isn’t helping either. I am also concerned that your son-in-law isn’t more active in the situation. That’s pretty disappointing. Is it possible to ask him why he left at such a young age? Really, try to involve outside help first. It sounds like a very ugly situation. Good luck.

All the kids have been in therapy for years off and on do to expenses, they still own attorney so much money, my daughter has gone into lot of her own sessions and with the kids, it just not helping, Kaleb the one she is having problems with now has been on ADD medication, I don't agree with at all. I am sure both boys are drug baby's

Protective service showed up Kaleb stared Dawn right in face while telling the man, Dawn beats me all the time and two weeks ago she beat him with a belt and the bruise he has is from that. The man wouldn't let My daughter and son in-law say to much of the details and history, just took boys alone and said he has to go to the school and call the kids doctors. The youngest boy Logan said he loves Dawn and she doesn't beat them. The Police came and the officer told Kaleb that Dawn can beat his butt if she wants and told him by me being there might be taken him a way from a real emergency Kaleb looked at him shrugged his shoulders. The officer says this boy needs help and needs to go to foster care to get in the system to get him help. The Dad said I was in system and it was bad and doesn't want his son there..
my son In-law dad was abusive and his mother never protected him and he ended up running away and put in home for trouble boys, he thinks now for some reason his mom can do no wrong.
Dawn husband is hard worker and supports the family but that is as far as it goes. I never seen what she sees in him.
He cant even flip a burger on grill.

I am taking it to God for help and Pray for everyone.

__________________
In His Service
Theresa
and Amberleah Lou Lou

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I have no idea what to say. =( sounds like a very rough situation from everyone involved. I guess my only advice would be for your daughter; that she expresses her concerns about the children's accusations to anyone and any authority who can document it. People often underestimate how manipulative kids can be; and I hear SO much about troubled kids lying about their parents abusing them just for the attention. Nobody wants to think that their kid would lie about that; but I think for the parents/other adults who are NOT actually involved they might actually believe the children if they act entirely different around them. I would even have her get involved with her children's teachers. If they only know what the KIDS are telling them, they might believe those lies and it could be used against her in a custody battle...
I obviously don't know much about having kids; but I do know enough about being one, lol.. Everyone wants to think of children as innocent; but so often the cruel and hateful things they do (even if just acting out frustration) can have a huuuuuge influence and get themselves into far more than they can handle. Nobody begins life as a bad person. But early actions can have horrible results.... every criminal, murderer, rapist, etc. was a child once as well. If we can find a way to understand and solve these behaviors before they take effect the world would be a much better place. Children are the beginning of the future; and lately that is becoming a very scary thing.

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Thank you so much the good thing is she did help out at all school outing's and parties at the old school. They know her. This new school she has helped a few times now, and has gone to all the teacher meetings for the kids, she takes the kids including the 14 year old to her track meets and to boys foot ball practices and games and field trips. Nobody else takes them, not even Grandmother.
I think the Grandmother wants kids back and will do anything to get them if only her son will see it. It worked with Shy-ann so boys think it will work with them.
Plus they seen their mom doing her best in life Lying non stop.
Also I have never seen such lazy kids in my life they cant do anything with out crying about it, Thanks Giving Dawn loaded up left overs from party to take home and put them in a box. Kaleb watched her and when they got home Dawn gave Kaleb the box of stuff and said go put it in refrigerator, while she takes the dog out, he just had surgery. Next day she was going to serve it for lunch and she couldn't find it, he put i under a table in garage because didn't want to put it away. Then screamed and cry he didn't know he was to put it in ref. When Kaleb came home he even told Dawn the school lied he didn't take the girls money and candy.
The stories can go on. Thank you for reading and listen to me. I feel so close to everyone on forum.
Sometimes I just wish she would leave but I am Christian and we must try to avid divorce if we can.

__________________
In His Service
Theresa
and Amberleah Lou Lou

[IMG][/IMG]

I feel your pain. My mom took in foster kids for 25 years. It's bad enough when you have one out of control kid, your daughter has three. I took in foster kids for 4 years myself. I'm good with damaged kids, but its hard to tell someone else how to do what comes second nature to me. It takes patience and constant following behind them. And sitting and talking with them about what they are feeling and what their behavior is doing to me and the rest of the family without blaming them at all. That it's ok to be mad and sad, but not ok to blame her for their past. That she is willing to listen and help them feel better about themselves. They need to grieve and put their mom to rest and know that Grandma can't save them. Is there anyway to not have them see grandma? Tell her since you are undermining what we are trying, you can't see them. Tell the kids grandma is off limits unless their can control themselves better and they need to be a part of the family first before they get privileges like visiting. She's in a tough spot. And I dont think God wants her to be in a relationship where she is so stressed and taken advantage of with no recourse. While divorce is always the last resort, sometimes it is the only thing that is right and life saving.

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Thank you Jan for the wonderful siggy!

Theresa, I'm sorry sweetie that times are so tough right now. Stay strong, I'm
here to lend an ear and a shoulder. As for advice in this complex situation, I
think Pam's words are pure wisdom and experience. I wish I had someone like
Pam around when I was a child, someone willing to listen. I also agree with Vera
regarding therapy, boundaries and discipline. And definitely take a look into some
kind of activities that focus on teaching children/adolescents discipline, hard
work, respect, giving back to community, improving physical fitness, etc. For
example, here in Canada we have an organization that does just that, the
"Cadet Program" it is for the youth between the ages of 12-18, and it is free to
join. My baby brother has been a part of it for 2 years and it has done wonders
for him, he has learned valuable life and work skills. Perhaps there is something
similar in your area.

I wish you & your family only the best Theresa! HUGS!

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Being a kid myself, I really have no idea what to do, but I can say that grounding them for long periods of times help, as well as limiting time for fun things (Example, 2 hours of computer a day, or one hour of TV a day, etc etc) and take them to church each sunday, give them stuff to do (books, toys (and lots of'em), etc) and it might help with the behavioral issues.

Other then that, not much I can say. Hope this doesn't last for too much longer.