Thank you LS. I'm trying to have the mindset of living each day as if it was my last, but I'm plagued with nightmares so it's not easy. I think things are going to get harder before they get easier. I've survived a lot so I'll survive this too. I'm planning my way out of my current life which seems so good from the outside looking in. I think it's going to take around 5 years give or take to improve my situation no matter which of my two options I pick. So much can change in that time so I'm going to be flexible.

A song is a piece of art. I have a friend who is a songwriter and a few friends who are musicians. I love music.

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I don't know what you are going through, but I can definitely relate to the
feeling of things getting harder and harder. Seems like life just keeps on
testing me. Sometimes I think perhaps it's for a reason. Maybe the burdens
are put on me because I'm strong enough to handle them...even though I
don't feel like it most times.

I can ask you to tell me your problems, and I can give you advice on what to
do, but at the end of the day you must take your own path. We can all give
good advice, but it's easier said then done, isn't it?! All I can say is I'm here if
you want to chat, complain, vent, whatever. Life can be too much at times,
but you don't have to be alone. And as hard as it is to believe, things do get
better eventually. I strongly believe that we are in control of our destiny. We
always have a choice, it might not necessarily be perfect, but it's still
available. Choose your own route in life, choose happiness instead of tears,
and you will get it.

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Thank you so much. I may have to take you up on your offer of being a sounding board. There is no such thing as perfection and sometimes that reality is what gets me through the day.

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Of course not!
We are imperfectly perfect! And it's ok.
What's important is that you put yourself first, take care of yourself, don't let
anyone hurt you, especially yourself. You deserve happiness as much as anyone
else, sometimes the nightmares are hard to ignore, so at least take a little "me
time" in between. Do something for just you. A bath, a chocolate, a haircut,
read a good book, write a letter without sending it, it doesn't have to be much,
just take time to remind yourself that you matter. Hugs.

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I wonder what if all the time not because I am unhappy I am truly happy but here's why I wonder: September 15th 1992 I was working at a restaurant in my home town and I had been talking to, dating,(or what ever you wanna call it) both Jeff and Mike neither knew about the other but they both knew I wasn't seeing them exclusively. On this fateful day they both decided to meet me after work so I literally had Jeff at the back door and Mike at the front door. I hid in the bathroom for all most an hour I knew saying I can't go with you because I'm going with the other guy but I'll call you in the morning was not going to be an option for either one of them. They were both fine with seeing other people but well this was a bit much. Long story short I went out the back door (I told Mike I didn't just leave..lol) 3 months later I moved in with Jeff 4 yrs after that we got married and now he is sitting in his recliner snoring louder than the tv. I think since it is such a clear cut moment in my life every time something good or bad happens I wonder what if I had went out the front door? Just outta curiosity not that I wish I had. Jeff is by no means perfect but he is perfect for me!