I have a confession to make: I think I'm a little obsessed.

It's not an everyday occurence, and it's not something that affects my work or sleep or anything like that, but I do wonder if it's healthy.

I can't stop thinking about Poppet. The anniversary of his passing is the 28th of this month...maybe that's what is making it harder here lately. I still cry every now and then, which I think is normal. However, what I don't think is healthy is my obsession to "see him again."

I keep scouring dog breeder sites to find a chi that looks like him. I see him in Pearl sometimes. She has a lot of his quirks. The high drive for food. The old ruse of seeking affection from me to make Tilly jealous and lure her away from a treat. The fascination in children on bicycles. LOL The pudgy but healthy body...I think some people refer to it as cobby? She's sort of built like him and has his bodytype (thicker and bigger in the front chest area...sort of barrel shaped) and his beautiful chi head. However, her ears are longer, her legs are longer, and her eyes lack that beautiful non-reflective pool of complete black that made his face so hypnotic. She's also not as fearless as he was. Actually, she's a bit of a chicken. But maybe I'm being unfair because I've yet to come across any dog with his heart.

About once a week I check out various dog breeder sites. Looking mostly for those beautiful eyes. Hoping for a complete package. Wondering if I'd clear out my savings to have someone like him and easily answering "yes."

I have three dogs now. One more than I'm even comfortable with, but I keep looking.

I even kick myself for not preserving genetic material so I could have the future option of having him cloned. As if I could ever afford the price tag. But I wonder if I did have part of him, would I furiously save year after year until it was a possibility? I don't know. It seems awful to think that I'd be willing to spend so much money on a copy in nothing but looks when there are so many dogs out in the world suffering. Yet I can't keep wishing that I had done it.

I've even thought of posting on this board and asking people to help me look for a white chi with short-ish ears, short legged and cobby body, perhaps with a brown spot or two, and huge doll-like black eyes. There's even been a member or two who have dogs that have these traits, and it's only shame that keeps me from asking about their breeder.

It's been a year. Isn't time supposed to make things better? So far all I've done is stop crying everyday. I still miss him terribly and think of him all of the time. Sometimes it's the should have/would have/could have moments where I beat myself up for every minute I didn't appreciate him or moments where I should have been kinder to him or things I could have done to prolong his life. Maybe the one benefit from all of this is that I'm a much better owner since his passing. Those thoughts keep me in tuned with my dogs' needs and lend me a patience with them that I never had before.

I have two lovely new chis, and while I care for them, I still find them lacking in personality and more like pets than anything else. While a better owner in the sense that I'm more attuned to their needs and try to give them all they could want, I don't love them like I did Poppet. It's not even close. And that makes me feel like crap. We've settled into a nice and comfortable routine together, but I'm not fulfilled or excited about them. My phone calls with friends aren't filled with stories of the antics they've done. My posts here, after all the behavior problems were fixed or dealt with, have whittled down to nothing. I use to be the type of fur-mommy that would interject stories about her "kids" into every conversation and every post. Now, nothing...even my friends have noticed.

I have dogs again, but they're just that. Dogs. And while I mourn Poppet, I also mourn the love I had for him, and I wonder if that ability to love so strongly died with him.

And so I keep browsing the ads, wondering if I can get it back if I find just that right chi.

Pretty desperate and pathetic, huh?

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Pathetic NO! it's heartbraking when they die,you have lost one of the family anybody who has lost a dog knows what you are going through,i still think about my last Chi and the way the vet put him to sleep,that plays on my mind and that was years ago.

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Not at all......my last Chi, Tito, was with me for 17yrs.... I had to put him to sleep and he was in my arms when he took his last breathe....he was part of my family and since I am single he was my companion thru thick and thin.... I miss him to this day terribly and it has been over 3yrs now..... but last yr I decided I am ready for another Chi and went looking for another 'Tito'.... hence Chico is the same color as Tito.... They are quite different in body structure but the color is there.... I love Chico alot but I shouldn't have decided on the same color as Tito...... 'cause I keep calling Chico, Tito...... *sigh*...... although I am getting better at that.... I guess the saying goes for Chi's.... you can't ever go back home.....

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I truly believe that that sometimes there is just a "connection/bond" that develops between a person and an animal..It is as if they can be so intune with your feelings, thoughts, and who you really are. I don't think it happens very often, but when it does, you lose a piece of your heart in the passing of your "dear friend." I have shared my life, home and love with many pets through the years, and have been fortunate enough to experience this special bonding twice. Once with Dutch, a toy poodle who was with me for 12 years before I lost him, and again with Neko, my special chi boy who shares my life now. I feel so blessed. Deb

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If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. ~~Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

I have my guinea pigs ashes in an oak casket and she died 10 years ago, I just can't bring myself to bury her in the cold ground, when my horse dies he too will be cremated and his ashes sent back to me.

To lose a pet isn't just to lose a dog, cat, horse etc, it is like losing part of yourself. Your heart is ripped apart and no one but another animal lover will understand.

So there is nothing wrong in the way you are feeling, I just wish there was some way I could help.

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Time does not heal all wounds - especially the loss of something so precious and innocent as a beloved dog.

Carlos was at my feet for nearly 18 years. I see him there everyday, and it's been a year since he passed.

I can't even think of Poco without balling and it's been over 2 years.
I set out to get dogs that looked nothing like him, but since Lola as grown,
at certain angles she looks just like him, and she even has some of his characteristics.

I wonder if I'm crazy for missing them and hanging on to them too.
But they gave me the best years of my life, and I gave them the best life
I possible could.

The only alternative would be that I never met them, and that is unthinkable.
You have to be thankful for the opportunity to share life with such special
creatures.

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Thank you all for sharing your words and own struggles with the passing of pets/coping with their loss. It does make me feel better knowing that these thoughts, while maybe not normal for most of the population, aren't at odds within the circle of pet lovers.

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I can identify with you too. Sometimes you have a special, special dog that is your heart. Some people call them heart dogs. They are everything you ever wanted and the bond is so so dear. I think that is what you had with your special Poppet. Also, sometimes we are at a certain place in our lives where having a dog helps us through a tough time, and that makes us love them even more.

After Molly and Piper died, I couldn't even THINK about getting a dog for 3 years. Some people will go and get one the next day. Even thinking of getting a new dog seemed so disloyal to them, I couldn't even consider it. It took a long time for my heart to heal enough to want another. I just felt like NO dog could fill that void.

Then, 3 years later, along came Brody. Now he IS my heart. I can't imagine what it will be without him.

Each person is different. I don't think that your feelings are unusual. There's an interesting chapter in Dr. Marty Goldsteins book "Natural Care" that talks about a type of reincarnation of pets and their qualities. While it doesn't match with my christian belief system, it's really interesting.

Just keep opening up and talking about Poppet. It helps. And we all understand where you are coming from.

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"Having heard all of this, you may choose to look the other way.....
but you can never say again that you did not know." William Wilberforce 1759-1833