I saw this in an email and had to share it is so funny and true!
Dear Dog and Cat,
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not
switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate
and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish,
nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is therefore
not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help either, as I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will resort to sleeping on the sofa
to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping.
They can actually curl up into a ball, and are sleeping in their own
beds. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
Please note that sticking tails and tongues out to maximize
space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut,
it is not necessary to claw, whine, jump, bang, scratch, try to turn the
knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.
When I exit this room, I will come out the same door I entered.
In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Canine and/or feline
attendance has never been necessary or helpful.
The proper order is kiss me, lick me, then go smell your fur-pal's back end.
I cannot stress this enough.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and
Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"-niture)
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and
doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually
come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with
drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about
buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't
need a gazillion dollars for college, and won't get pregnant
because they've been "fixed."