Desparate to Co-Exist. Need advice...

My boyfriend and I have struggled with our relationship being "dog person" vs. "non-dog person" (specifically CAT person) for a few months. There are things that I love about Teddy, and dogs in general, that my boyfriend just finds grating. For example, I love snuggling with Teddy in the bed at night. It's been that way for us ever since he was a puppy. My boyfriend hates it!

However, we finally struck a compromise that seems to work for us. Like you, he doesn't like Teddy being in our business 24/7. Teddy pretty much goes wherever I go, and I like it that way, but when my boyfriend is with me he wants to be with ME-- not always with me and my dog. The compromise was that Teddy be allowed to sleep in the bed, but before bedtime we have an hour or two to cuddle in bed and watch TV while Teddy lays on his own dog bed on the floor. When we're ready to sleep I let him back on the bed.

I think that creating boundaries really helped the relationship between my boyfriend and Teddy. In the beginning he seemed to resent him for always being around (he viewed him as a little bit of a third wheel, I think). Now he treats him like more of a buddy. I don't know whether he truly enjoys being around him or whether he's just trying really hard for my sake, but it has helped to reduce some of the anxiety on my end. Either way, I think that whether he likes him or just tolerates him isn't important.. As long as our compromise works for our situation, then I'm happy.

My point is that, if your wife creates a space just for Pete and you don't feel forced to be around him constantly, you may find that you enjoy interacting with him on your own terms and in small increments.

I hope it works out for you! Good luck!

notgivingup said:

I told her (before I moved in) that I found that idea unpleasant (no offense) but that was all that I said. She (thankfully) made the decision to not let him sleep in the bed anymore. I can't tell you how much that compromise has meant to me.

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Wow, you should be really appreciative that your wife has made the choice to not have the dog in the bed anymore! That was the one thing I could not give up. I might feel different as the months/years go on, but from where I am right now, it was a compromise I was not willing to make.

Teddy has slept in the bed with me since he was 11 weeks old (he's now almost 2 1/2 years). Before my relationship with my boyfriend, I had wanted a dog so badly.. largely so that I would have a guardian by my side when I'm asleep. I used to have night terrors, but they are mostly gone now that I have Teddy. They come back if I sleep in a new place or have to sleep completely alone. I wake up in the middle of the night and feel panicked that someone is in the room with me. Having another person nearby never helps since they don't wake up to every little noise like I do (I'm an extremely light sleeper).. but a dog has exceptional hearing. If there was truly something to worry about, Teddy would lift his head, bark, or go investigate. The security and peace of mind that he offers me is something that I wasn't willing to give up for my relationship because it has to do with my own sense of well-being. Without Teddy, I wake up 4-6 times each night, lie awake stressing for hours about something that isn't really there, and I end up feeling exhausted. I'm a horrible person to be around when I haven't gotten a good night's rest.. especially when it goes on and on like it tends to do.

My boyfriend may not like Teddy sleeping in the bed, but I hope that he at least understands and appreciates my need to feel safe at night. (Though I think part of him might be sad that his presence alone doesn't make me feel 100% safe. It's really nothing to do with him and I try to make him understand that. It's just a human vs. dog thing; dogs have better hearing. That's really all it is.) I feel safest when I'm sandwiched between my boyfriend AND my dog.

That being said.. It's not that I ever want to give the impression that my needs trump his. When we move in together, I'll want Teddy in the bed with us each night and I'm not sure I'll be able to give that up. But to try to make up for it I'm willing to kick Teddy off the bed or put him in another room whenever my boyfriend decides that he needs space just for us without the dog. I try to have Teddy influence his life in as few other ways as possible (I very, very rarely ask him to take him outside, he doesn't pay for any of Teddy's care, I've only had him dogsit twice very briefly when I didn't have a better alternative, etc.). I hope that's enough for him. I really don't want him to resent either of us.

Karen, I keep crossing my fingers that my boyfriend falls in love with Teddy like you fell in love with Mick. That was a really touching story. I cried.