Desparate to Co-Exist. Need advice...

12006 Views 46 Replies 26 Participants Last post by Angel1210, Dec 15, 2011

notgivingup

Discussion Starter · Dec 11, 2011

First off, let me say that I do not dislike chihuahuas or dogs in general.

That said let me explain my situation a bit.

I got married about 8 months ago (28M, 33F). My fiance has a 3 year old chihuahua, Pete. I knew she had the dog but we did not live together before getting married. I have never been much of an animal person but from what I saw of the dog I did not thinking sharing a house with him would be too difficult.

I was wrong. For the past 8 months I have tried everything to come to terms with the fact that this dog will be in my life for a LONG time to come. My wife adores him, calls him her "son". We have spent a lot of money to get him trained and it got better but he is still so willful.

My issues:

1. CONSTANT following, staring, being underfoot when she is not there.
2. Does not listen, very stubborn.
3. REFUSES to poop or pee in the cold, the instant we let him in, he goes.
4. Constant jumping in my lap, getting hair all over me. I am mildly allergic too.

I could go on and on. I guess what I want / need to know is how can I get the dog to understand that I am to be left alone? I have never and would never mistreat the dog but I really do not want to be my wife's stand in when she is away. I have discussed these issues with her and she cannot get past the fact that some people are just not animal people. I really cannot stand the constant following, lap jumping, etc. He even tries to get into the bathroom AND shower when I try to use them!!!

Please give advice on I how I can co-exist with this dog. What I want is to have minimal interaction.

Thanks...

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notgivingup

Discussion Starter · #21 · Dec 13, 2011

I figured I would ruffle some feathers here, and that's ok. I knew that on a forum like this my opinions would not be very popular.

I think part of the problem is that I could never have imagined just how needy the dog is. I mean it's not enough that he is sitting next to me when I am using the laptop, he has to try and crawl in my lap despite me repeatedly, over the course of several months, correcting him. It gets frustrating. I have never wanted a dog and I thought that I would be able to leave the majority of the "dog chores" to my wife. I have ended up doing far more than I care to do. I wish she would have prepared me better for what I could expect. I never knew to ask. A long discussion wife my wife is in order. We need to find a happy medium.

Like I said I think if he was more laid back it would be easier, but the EXTREME neediness is what bothers me.

Anyway thanks for the great advice and suggestions!

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Jerry'sMom

· #22 · Dec 13, 2011

notgivingup said:
I figured I would ruffle some feathers here, and that's ok. I knew that on a forum like this my opinions would not be very popular.

I think part of the problem is that I could never have imagined just how needy the dog is. I mean it's not enough that he is sitting next to me when I am using the laptop, he has to try and crawl in my lap despite me repeatedly, over the course of several months, correcting him. It gets frustrating. I have never wanted a dog and I thought that I would be able to leave the majority of the "dog chores" to my wife. I have ended up doing far more than I care to do. I wish she would have prepared me better for what I could expect. I never knew to ask. A long discussion wife my wife is in order. We need to find a happy medium.

Like I said I think if he was more laid back it would be easier, but the EXTREME neediness is what bothers me.

Anyway thanks for the great advice and suggestions!

some dogs really are more needy than others. Jerry is my clinging vine

Tabitha helps even out that energy and gives him someone else to interact
with (other than me 24/7)...

MChis

· #23 · Dec 13, 2011

notgivingup said:
I figured I would ruffle some feathers here, and that's ok. I knew that on a forum like this my opinions would not be very popular.

I think part of the problem is that I could never have imagined just how needy the dog is. I mean it's not enough that he is sitting next to me when I am using the laptop, he has to try and crawl in my lap despite me repeatedly, over the course of several months, correcting him. It gets frustrating. I have never wanted a dog and I thought that I would be able to leave the majority of the "dog chores" to my wife. I have ended up doing far more than I care to do. I wish she would have prepared me better for what I could expect. I never knew to ask. A long discussion wife my wife is in order. We need to find a happy medium.

Like I said I think if he was more laid back it would be easier, but the EXTREME neediness is what bothers me.

Anyway thanks for the great advice and suggestions!

I'd say she should have "warned" you BUT you didn't know the dog was like this BEFORE you got married? And you thought things would change? Saying Chihuahuas are companion dogs isn't like saying they're friendly dogs & that is that. Chihuahuas have a NEED to be with people...in their laps even. They're persistent when they know they will get what they want. Sure some Chi's are more "needy" than others but geesh. They're DOGS. The understand like dogs...they don't have human concept or understanding. They know what they know unless you make the boundaries clear which you obviously have not if he's still trying to climb in your lap (which you allow him to do!! LOL). You talk to the wifey all you want but I'm thinking if she's anything like the folks here who love their Chi's you're gonna be sleepin' on the couch.

Honestly...from a marriage stand point...you know your wife won't give up her Pete. You know how Pete is & that he'll be with you for a long time. Talk it over & make some guidelines you're both comfortable with. But really...the dog was there first & you married her. Accept the situation & make the best of it. Accept he is a DOG that was bred to "NEED" to be with people. Don't hold that against him--it's not fair. And freshen up on being a good pack leader which will help you create better boundaries that Pete will understand instead of not creating boundaries & holding a grudge toward a dog that is doing what is natural to him.

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Finn

· #24 · Dec 13, 2011

I am wondering if your wife makes a big fuss over Pete in front of you, almost setting up a rivalry situation? Just curious. For example, if you don't want Pete to do something (like jump on you), does she swoop him up and baby him? I hope she doesn't so this. We love our Chis, but they still must not be alpha to the humans in the house. I have seen people let dogs come between relationships. As bizarre as that may sound, it happens.

Tanna

· #25 · Dec 13, 2011

notgivingup said:
I figured I would ruffle some feathers here, and that's ok. I knew that on a forum like this my opinions would not be very popular.

I think part of the problem is that I could never have imagined just how needy the dog is. I mean it's not enough that he is sitting next to me when I am using the laptop, he has to try and crawl in my lap despite me repeatedly, over the course of several months, correcting him. It gets frustrating. I have never wanted a dog and I thought that I would be able to leave the majority of the "dog chores" to my wife. I have ended up doing far more than I care to do. I wish she would have prepared me better for what I could expect. I never knew to ask. A long discussion wife my wife is in order. We need to find a happy medium.

Like I said I think if he was more laid back it would be easier, but the EXTREME neediness is what bothers me.

Anyway thanks for the great advice and suggestions!

How sad, poor little Pete, he just wants to be your friend, I can't understand why you would shun his love and affection, why don't you give him a chance? This situation could very well have gone the other way, he could be barking, growling and otherwise just hating you, but he is trying to be your friend and campanion, he is trying to make you a family member and you are not compromising. I also find it very hard to believe that you didn't know about these behaviors before you got married, didn't you spend time with the dog?

notgivingup

Discussion Starter · #26 · Dec 13, 2011

Finn said:
I am wondering if your wife makes a big fuss over Pete in front of you, almost setting up a rivalry situation? Just curious. For example, if you don't want Pete to do something (like jump on you), does she swoop him up and baby him? I hope she doesn't so this. We love our Chis, but they still must not be alpha to the humans in the house. I have seen people let dogs come between relationships. As bizarre as that may sound, it happens.

Yes, she absolutely does this and it DOES bother me. I try not to be petty but sometimes I fail...

notgivingup

Discussion Starter · #27 · Dec 13, 2011

Tanna said:
How sad, poor little Pete, he just wants to be your friend, I can't understand why you would shun his love and affection, why don't you give him a chance? This situation could very well have gone the other way, he could be barking, growling and otherwise just hating you, but he is trying to be your friend and campanion, he is trying to make you a family member and you are not compromising. I also find it very hard to believe that you didn't know about these behaviors before you got married, didn't you spend time with the dog?

I spend SOME time with the dog, just not enough obviously. We were always going out and she usually came over to my house. Like I said I have never had a dog and I just did not know what it was all about.

Finn

· #28 · Dec 13, 2011

I think you need to talk with her about that behavior. You sound like a very nice man to me--you are recognizing the issue and looking for advice, and from a pretty tough crowd at that! I think it is perfectly reasonable that you didn't know what to expect from having a dog around, let alone a Chi. I really think your spouse needs to step up and help make things better not assume you will have to do all the work to figure it out. At the risk of hate mail from my fellow Chi-board members, the problem IMO isn't with Pete or with you--it's with your spouse who is either unable or unwilling to help smooth the transition. It's not that much different from a situation when one partner has kids and the other doesn't have kids. Anyway, best of luck in finding a solution.

MiniGrace

· #29 · Dec 13, 2011

I wouldn't send you hate mail for that post. That's an excellent point in my opinion.

notgivingup

Discussion Starter · #30 · Dec 13, 2011

Finn said:
I think you need to talk with her about that behavior. You sound like a very nice man to me--you are recognizing the issue and looking for advice, and from a pretty tough crowd at that! I think it is perfectly reasonable that you didn't know what to expect from having a dog around, let alone a Chi. I really think your spouse needs to step up and help make things better not assume you will have to do all the work to figure it out. At the risk of hate mail from my fellow Chi-board members, the problem IMO isn't with Pete or with you--it's with your spouse who is either unable or unwilling to help smooth the transition. It's not that much different from a situation when one partner has kids and the other doesn't have kids. Anyway, best of luck in finding a solution.

I think this is close to the mark. I think I really need her help. I think one of the problems is that she was so taken aback that someone (me) did not fall instantly in love with Pete. I am not built like that. It takes me a LONG time to warm to changes in my life.

We just both need to keep working and hopefully get this situation resolved to both or our liking.

Thanks again!

mellawson

· #31 · Dec 14, 2011

Just thought I would share this I have always been a dog person..ALWAYS..but when I met my husband I lived in an apartment and couldn't have one with me so my dog lived with my mom. When we got married I literately drove my husband crazy cause I missed having a dog but he was hesitant to have one in the house. I compromised by sharing my dog with my mom so she was only at our house part of the time and he got used to me being the crazy dog lady a little at a time. It didn't happen overnight but 15 years later he actually brought Penny home with out even asking me...lol I don't know what excited me more getting such an adorable new puppy or realizing my husband is now a crazy dog guy. I'm just saying just keep trying you will figure it out.

GypsyChi

· #32 · Dec 14, 2011

Blondie87 said:
If you really don't want to be around him you can set up an area (bedroom or pen, separate baby gated area.) with beds, toys, pee pad, water, etc for him, and he can be in there while your wife is away.

I agree,I love my chi but sometimes mommy needs a time out. I put her in her pen with her toys and her bed and that way i can do what i need with out her under foot. between her and my son , even the biggest chi lover needs a time out once in awhile

Barneys_Mom99

· #33 · Dec 14, 2011

I agree. Having a safe den is a good thing for the dog and the humans. I don't leave Barney in there very long, but I do put in him a few times a day. He can see us, has water and chew toys, and I know he will get some rest and time when he is by himself for a bit. I think this is good him, and certainly will help him when I need to leave him home alone. I want him to be able to self soothe, be independent, as well as share play/love time during parts of the day when we both can give it full attention.

Chihuahuasloveme

· #34 · Dec 14, 2011

I'm so glad u posted this my bf has never had a dog in his life and I go to his house every time he's only been to mine a couple of times so really doesn't know my dogs that well yet but we are planning to move in together in the summer Im so glad for this post bc it made me think from a non dog persons point of view and gave me thing to bring up with him before he just gets thrown Into owning 2 of them. I tOld him about this thread alreay and hae discussed some issues one of the things he brought up was them sleepin in the bed lol I'm glad we can have this talk before we move that way I can know where he's coming from and I have some time to work with my dogs. I never thought I would ever be with anyone who wasn't a huge dog person not that he's not he's just never had one before its going to be a big change for him and my dogs too.

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notgivingup

Discussion Starter · #35 · Dec 14, 2011

Chihuahuasloveme said:
I'm so glad u posted this my bf has never had a dog in his life and I go to his house every time he's only been to mine a couple of times so really doesn't know my dogs that well yet but we are planning to move in together in the summer Im so glad for this post bc it made me think from a non dog persons point of view and gave me thing to bring up with him before he just gets thrown Into owning 2 of them. I tOld him about this thread alreay and hae discussed some issues one of the things he brought up was them sleepin in the bed lol I'm glad we can have this talk before we move that way I can know where he's coming from and I have some time to work with my dogs. I never thought I would ever be with anyone who wasn't a huge dog person not that he's not he's just never had one before its going to be a big change for him and my dogs too.

Yes. Trust me, it is a huge change if one is not used to dogs. As for sleeping in the bed.....

I told her (before I moved in) that I found that idea unpleasant (no offense) but that was all that I said. She (thankfully) made the decision to not let him sleep in the bed anymore. I can't tell you how much that compromise has meant to me.

Just be open and honest and don't get your feelings hurt if he does not fall in love with the dogs instantly!

jesuschick

· #36 · Dec 14, 2011 (Edited)

Oh, mister. You could be telling my story.

I was SO INCREDIBLY NOT a "pet person". We had Chis as a kid and they did not like me so I never liked dogs. Never wanted a dog. EVER. Don't get me started on cats...haha!

So, 9 years ago (today is the 9th anniversary of our first date, actually) I went on this date with this guy I had known-at a distance-at work for years. I was 38 and he, 39.
BEST date of my life. My girlfriend called the next day and asked, "So. What is wrong with him"? because that is how I usually began my conversations about dates with her.

I stammered and said, "Well, he has a dog". I got silence and then she said, while laughing at me, "He sounds just awful". I went on to explain that the dog (a Chi named Mick) belonged to his mom but after suffering strokes had to go to a nursing home and she cried about what to do with Mick more than losing her freedom and selling her home. My friend's reply next was classic. "Wow. This story gets worse. He practically sounds like a criminal".

So, he explained that the dog, while only 5, did not like people and was snippy/crabby so not to acknowledge him nor expect anything. Perfect. He told me that I would sit quietly on his living room floor and he would try to keep him calm. Great.

Well, I came in to a wildly barking dog and I sat down. Mick jumped right up in my lap and licked me on the mouth. I saw fireworks in his (my now husband's) eyes.

I began having what we called "visitation" so that if he came over Friday evening, he brought Mick with rather than leaving him at home and Mick stayed the night with me when my husband went home if we had plans together for the next day.

I switched him right away from Pedigree to IAMS (okay, I really did no better but I was ill informed and knew no better) and began taking over his care.

We took him to the nursing home to visit my mother-in-law regularly. As best she could get the words out, she told me once that I was his mom now and that was okay. I reminded her that I was not. I was his sister-in-law!
We took him the weekend that she was dying. He was her dog, after all. I whispered to her that I would take care of both of her boys forever and that she could go if she needed to and without worrying about them.

He loved my husband best (and he should have) until his very last breath but that silly, mean dog dug himself so far into my heart that I truly thought it would be broken forever after he died.

I will NEVER be the same.

My husband and I cried, could not sleep nor eat for a few days and we knew even though we had these great plans for what we would do when we had freedom without pets that we had to get another dog. We did. Within days of losing him (he had been critically ill for 8 months).

And then another 2 months later. And another just 8 months later.

Our girls will NEVER replace Mick. We tell them that they took his space, not his place.

So, good luck. Try your very best not to fall in love....haha!

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svdreamer

· #37 · Dec 14, 2011 (Edited)

Wow, that was a great story, Karen, you got me crying. lol

My son does not like animals, especially dogs. He was adopted from a Romanian ophanage and the dogs over there run in packs and occasionally would break in to the orphanage and carry off a baby. He's allowed not to like them, he just is not allowed to be mean to them. I got him when he was 8 years-old, he's now 23 and just recently he allowed Gonzo to sleep with him. Huge breakthrough but it took all that time for him to get used a dog. And really the only reason he let him sleep with him at first is because Gonzo insisted. lol Now he kinda likes that Gonzo likes him so much. He still doesn't pet any of them or interact that much with them, but that's ok. If he ever moves out, I bet he will be animal-less. And that's fine for him.

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Kaila

· #38 · Dec 14, 2011 (Edited)

notgivingup said:
I told her (before I moved in) that I found that idea unpleasant (no offense) but that was all that I said. She (thankfully) made the decision to not let him sleep in the bed anymore. I can't tell you how much that compromise has meant to me.

Wow, you should be really appreciative that your wife has made the choice to not have the dog in the bed anymore! That was the one thing I could not give up. I might feel different as the months/years go on, but from where I am right now, it was a compromise I was not willing to make.

Teddy has slept in the bed with me since he was 11 weeks old (he's now almost 2 1/2 years). Before my relationship with my boyfriend, I had wanted a dog so badly.. largely so that I would have a guardian by my side when I'm asleep. I used to have night terrors, but they are mostly gone now that I have Teddy. They come back if I sleep in a new place or have to sleep completely alone. I wake up in the middle of the night and feel panicked that someone is in the room with me. Having another person nearby never helps since they don't wake up to every little noise like I do (I'm an extremely light sleeper).. but a dog has exceptional hearing. If there was truly something to worry about, Teddy would lift his head, bark, or go investigate. The security and peace of mind that he offers me is something that I wasn't willing to give up for my relationship because it has to do with my own sense of well-being. Without Teddy, I wake up 4-6 times each night, lie awake stressing for hours about something that isn't really there, and I end up feeling exhausted. I'm a horrible person to be around when I haven't gotten a good night's rest.. especially when it goes on and on like it tends to do.

My boyfriend may not like Teddy sleeping in the bed, but I hope that he at least understands and appreciates my need to feel safe at night. (Though I think part of him might be sad that his presence alone doesn't make me feel 100% safe. It's really nothing to do with him and I try to make him understand that. It's just a human vs. dog thing; dogs have better hearing. That's really all it is.) I feel safest when I'm sandwiched between my boyfriend AND my dog.

That being said.. It's not that I ever want to give the impression that my needs trump his. When we move in together, I'll want Teddy in the bed with us each night and I'm not sure I'll be able to give that up. But to try to make up for it I'm willing to kick Teddy off the bed or put him in another room whenever my boyfriend decides that he needs space just for us without the dog. I try to have Teddy influence his life in as few other ways as possible (I very, very rarely ask him to take him outside, he doesn't pay for any of Teddy's care, I've only had him dogsit twice very briefly when I didn't have a better alternative, etc.). I hope that's enough for him. I really don't want him to resent either of us.

Karen, I keep crossing my fingers that my boyfriend falls in love with Teddy like you fell in love with Mick. That was a really touching story. I cried.

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Kaila

· #39 · Dec 14, 2011

mellawson said:
Just thought I would share this I have always been a dog person..ALWAYS..but when I met my husband I lived in an apartment and couldn't have one with me so my dog lived with my mom. When we got married I literately drove my husband crazy cause I missed having a dog but he was hesitant to have one in the house. I compromised by sharing my dog with my mom so she was only at our house part of the time and he got used to me being the crazy dog lady a little at a time. It didn't happen overnight but 15 years later he actually brought Penny home with out even asking me...lol I don't know what excited me more getting such an adorable new puppy or realizing my husband is now a crazy dog guy. I'm just saying just keep trying you will figure it out.

Love this.

Angel1210

· #40 · Dec 14, 2011

Sounds to me like Pete needs a playmate. As in, another chi!!

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