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How to Photograph Your Puppy

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
12. Put magazines back on coffee table.
13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, no outside!"
16. Call spouse to help clean up the mess.
17. Fix a snack.
18. Sit back in chair, put your feet up, eat your snack and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

:D :D :D
 

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Discussion Starter #2
How to Give Your Cat a Pill in 10 Easy Steps

How to Give Your Cat a Pill in 10 Easy Steps

1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.
2. With right hand, stroke cat's throat until it opens its mouth (be patient). Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
4. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Hold cat as before, but hold down its front paws with forearm. Drop pill into mouth.
5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.
6. Get new pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.
7. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.
8. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).
9. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.
10. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours, then repeat.
 

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lol those are great! Thanks Vala!! I had the pill experience with my last kitten Oz (who I had to give away), he had to take a worm pill and would not, no matter what, swallow it - I laughed at the part 'pick up half dissolved pill' lol that's exactly right on. It's all slimy and foamy yuk. It was so frustrating!! :roll:
 

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oooh i never heard the puppy one, the cat one used to be my favorite-they are sooo true! :lol:
 

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Vala - I have the Cat & Pill one, but mine is a little different - and a little longer. LOL

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL -

1. Pick cat up and cradle in crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth and allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in right arm to avoid wound on left arm, and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill, cradle cat in best arm, holding rear paws tightly with hand. Force jaws open and push pill to the back of mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat and get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill into mouth, put down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow through straw.
9. Check label to be sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take the taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat on cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with a dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch, pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to check and check records for tetanus shot. apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the - *******- cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little -*****-'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the "cat from h***" and call local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs available.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL -

1. Wrap it in bacon. Drop on floor.
 
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