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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I decided to start this diary...i guess to just let my feelings out. I just had another crying spell. I feel like i lost a child when i lost my peanut. Can my fam n friends not understand that? Im sick of being told " he is just a dog, or i wish u would smile, or i hate seeing u sad". I have separated myself from my "so called friends and fam", my only support is in this forum and in my partner. I know she is ....i wouldnt say tired, just sad cus im sad, but at least she supports me alot. I spend many hours looking through chi pics for sale on craigslist, all in the hopes of finding a peanut clone..april tells me there isnt gunna be another peanut he was one of a kind...ik its true but i miss him and i want him back. We have 2 other chi's in this house and i feel bad cause i can't get as close to them as i was with peanut, don't get me wrong i love them and give them alot of attention...treats, take them places, n sleep with em as well...But still i miss my peanut n i just cant be happy right now. Why is this so dificult...everyone tells me i look depressed and act emo....so i just stay away from everyone n keep 2 myself. i have lost interest in my sites, my work, my friends, even simple things like going out to the store...does this mean im being over dramatic? it has'nt even been a month since he passed away...just let me deal with it in my own way is what i think every day when i hear people tell me 2 at least smile. Im happy and thankful for having my son, my partner, her parents and 2 other chi's in my life (very thankfull) but im also very sad, i cry alot i can't help it...i just want u back my peanut butter cheese cup.....if only i could bring him back....sighs....:(
 

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Oh, I am just so sorry for your loss. I understand. I would feel as if I had lost a child also if one of mine passed. I wish I had some magic words to ease your pain! I can only offer my cyber-hugs and healing thoughts. Your little Peanut really does look like a very special dog and was a lucky little man to be loved by his mama so much!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
ty your hugs are very much apreciated and ty for the support! yes i loved him like a child, its like ina way he felt he was human. ty for the cyber hugs i needed them**hugs bk***
 

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I know exactly how you feel, looking for a clone of your peanut. I feel so so bad for you :( I agree that people should let you grieve in your own way, every one is different and you have every right to feel the way you do! I know people in your life are trying to make you feel silly for grieving but they don't understand and they won't ever understand how you feel until they have loved and lost a pet. Please keep posting in this journal because it might help you! I'm here for you!! (((hugs)))
 

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I know exactly how you must be feeling (((BIG HUGS)))

In August 2008 I lost my whippet Tina when she fell into a flooded fast river and drowned :( For months afterwards I did nothing but blame myself and cry and in May 2009 was off work for three weeks with stress. Thankfully with counselling and a few Happy Pills I started to pick myself up and stop blaming myself all the time.
Last year my wonderful cat Domino passed away and even now I still feel a huge loss and still shed a tear or two when I look at photos of her.

The main thing to remember is that it is perfectly normal to grieve over Peanut (((HUGS))) Folk who say he was 'only' a dog or expect you to just 'snap out of it' have obviously never shared that bond with a loving canine.
I only had Domino 100 days (she was a rescue - I wrote about her in the Other Pets section) and even though I am now owned by four other rescue cats SHE is still the one who sticks out and has made the most impact on me.

It's still VERY early days for you so allow yourself to grieve and don't bottle up those tears - let them out! I now, if I'm feeling low, allow myself to have a really good cry for 20 minutes only and then take a deep breath, dry my eyes and carry on with my day. With time you WILL start to only think of the good times with Peanut and be able to look at photos of him without feeling as though you've been ripped in half. You'll still feel a little pang of sadness at his loss but with time it will become more bearable (((HUGS)))

In the meantime please DO keep posting in this journal - writing things DOES help (((HUGS)))
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
i think i will try 2 visit his little memorial korner this week end, maybe write a couple of words on his stone...i havent been to the back yard since it happend since thats where he was burried....my mates dad and my son made a memorial spot with a huge stone and said when im ready i should go write to him, i havent been able 2 yet. i think by the week end maybe ill try, wish me luck. and ty alll so much for being here 4 me , it means so much 2 me. and for those of u that have gone thru this also, hugs 2 you and sorry for all ur loses as well. seeing how strong you all are and reading your words inspires me to be strong and you are right he will always be here with me in my heart and my lil guardian angel! hugs all**
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
The picture in my siggy always brings a smile to my face, when i took it he was staring straight at me thinkin "grrrr stop takin pics of me woman" he didnt like the camera but that time he posed. :)
 

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Aw, very sorry for your pain, little peanut knew how much you loved and cherished him, and you gave him a wonderful life filled with joy and happineess and many treats. Take comfort in the fact that you will see him again one day at the railbow bridge. it's very sad that our beloved pets don't live as long as we do, but just be so very greatful that the two of you had one another to love and trust. RIP little Peanut. The little memorial corner you have for him sounds like a wonderful peaceful place to visit your little guy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I found peanuts first sweater today :(.....he used to pee all over it every time i washed it..gues it was his way of saying momma get this off of me....i washed it and am keeking it ina safe spot...maybe one day "his clone" will wear it....i still look for pups that resemble him...so far i havent found any at shelters or know any one i trust enuff to get a pup from around my area...craigslist is usually full of greedy breeders that just breed for money...yet i still look for peanuts clone on there daily...i found a look alike on a texas chi site...wow 1500+ for the pup ....will i ever find my peanut clone? I just want my baby back...I have been trying to just focus on the girls for now...and maybe just maybe one day a peanut clone will just come into my world when i least expect it....the girls need me right now and i need 2 be a strong mommie 4 them, its not fair to them that im sad....i had play time with them 2day and realized that they love me as much as peanut did, i decided to make them matching clothes...i think they would look good in purple....will be posting pics soon....hugs all** hope ur all lookin forward 2 the week end..i decided saturday i will sit at peanuts memorial spot with the girls 2. sighs***
 

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What I did with my Nuggie (who passed in 2008) was write a letter to her. I have kept everything regarding my dogs in a notebook. vet receipts, surguries, x-rays, consults, test results etc there. So the other day, I took it out because someone needed the meds she was on, and there was the letter! In the very front of the book. I cried again thinking of her! She was a difficult little dog, not 'nice' like my chi's now are. A pet store puppy from a mill probably. She would snarl at me, if I invaded her space! Never bit, and I could do anything to her, but with the initial 'Leave me Alone' snarl!

The other thing is stop looking for a 'clone' for peanut. There will never be one like him. Just look for a pup that needs you! Rescue. Look at Petfinder.com or Chihuahua rescue. Good luck Sue
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
So...things are getting a lil better, the pain is slowly but surely easing up..dont get me wrong i totally still miss my peanut, but my girls have helped me deal with it and just keep me strong. I am able 2 look at peanuts pictures more now with out crying, he was such a happy boi, and it makes me feel better to know he was so loved. My son is dealing with it better now also, and we are able 2 both share our happy times with peanut now with out getting so sad, he was such a silly boy. I will post a really funny pic of him soon, it always makes me giggle when i see that pic. Looking forward to valentines day, my girls need a vday t shirt idk if i will make one or go buy some. I keep them matching lately, freeda wears an xs and daisy mae wears a sm. Worried about daisy she had a lil weird pain in her belly yesterday, so im going to take her 2 the vet n see what that's all about. She seems fine now but im still worried. I can't wait for it to be a lil warmer outside , i really want to take them 2 the lake. I am thinking of getting them micro chipped but i don't know how it works, if it hurts etc. For now i am getting them custom made collar tags i saw some really cute ones someone posted on here weeks back. Daisy and Freeda have been getting closer, freeda misses peanut i can tell but shes also trying 2 get closer to daisy so that's awsome. hugs to everyone on the forum that commented and supported me through hard times , thow i don't know you all much you dont imagine how much i needed you guys during those sad times, you helped me deal with it all with kind words. Hugs happy vday n hope everyone is having a great week end!!! muah:daisy:
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Update***

Thank you all who have been so kind, i love this forum because of the people that use it. Evryone here is so nice and supportive, it really helps alot 2 know and see other chi lovers that have similar stories and so much love for chis! Things have been getting better lately , i could'nt of done it with out you guys and this forum! lots of hugs n many thanks to u all!!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
*** Plain n simple, today sux***

Stayed up, cant sleep, freeda feels yukie..my car doesnt work, my kiddo will miss school and most likely end up being home school-ed soon, i have a headache(migrane) a bad ear ache...and i miss peanut..just a ruff day i guess. Im full of complaints i guess.
 

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It will get better, but you'll always have that ache in your heart for Peanut. I, too, lost my 1st chi whom was near & dear to my heart. One way to help you cheer up a little is to try to remember the great times and how much love you shared with Peanut and how happy that he was part of your family, that you gave him the best life he could have ever had. It's still early for you to get past the grief, so take the time you need to reflect. Don't listen to what other people say--there is so much ignorance in the world today, they could never understand the true feelings an animal brings. Everyone deals with grief in the own way & time, so take the time you need. It will get better, I promise!
 

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You have all the right in the world to grieve right now, don't try to rush the
process, it takes time. Don't worry about what others say, focus on what you
need to do and if you happen to need a good cry then there is nothing wrong
with that. One thing I will tell you is you will never find another Peanut, and that
is good. Peanut was unique, there is no replacement. But there are many other
dogs out there who are also wonderful in their own way. Your two Chis for
example are different from Peanut, yet they need you just the same. I hope you
find comfort in their company. Try spending more time with them, take longer
walks. You will feel a little better for it. My Kissa passed almost a year ago and
my heart still aches, no one will ever take her place, but Chanel brings
something new to our family, and helps keep my mind positive. Big hugs to you
and don't be shy, come chat anytime, whether you are up or down. You are not alone.
 
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